ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO:I'm ready to learn.
A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
A: Precisely.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
C: You.
A: No , mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Who?
A: Precisely.
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Yes.
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Precisely.
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
A: No, precisely hee.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: And what about me?
A: Hu.
C : me, me, me!
A : Hu, hu, hu!
C : What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
A : No, hu is he!
C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
C: Do his parents know about this?
A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
C: Then who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: Who?
A: He!
C: Me?
A: Hu!
C: He?
A: She!
C Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.
A: Hu.
C: Who?
A: Precisely!
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first You want to know me is who.
A: Correct.
C: And then you say who is he.
A: Absolutely.
C : And then you tell me he is she.
A & C: Precisely!
C : Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
A: Who?
C: She!
A: That is he!
C: Who is he?
A & C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
A: What.
C I said Ma.
A: What.
Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
A: What!
C: Not what, who!
A: He!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
A: Fish.
C Fish?
A: Dog is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.
Sent in by Steve
1. Slalom aleichem - greetings, all you Jewish skiers.
2. Am yisrael chat - the nation of Israel is engaged in conversation.
3. Char gadya - we'll have barbecued goat for Passover dinner.
4. Maoz tzar - the president of Russia will light candles this Chanukah.
5. Davis melech yisrael - the new king of Israel is thinking about reestablishing the Jewish state in Oakland, CA.
6. Bum gali gali - the farmers are now too lazy to work.
7. Shea yisrael - the Mets are planning their first exhibition game in Israel.
8. Java nagila - they're dancing the hora at the coffeehouse.
9. Lo yissa goo - I thank G-d for not being born a blob.
10. Pa nishtana - the kids are too young to ask the four questions, so Dad has to do it.
11. Tee chamocha - what golfer is like unto Tiger Woods?
12. LA tovu - how goodly are the tents of Los Angeles?
13. Shalom rag - peace to all our congregation members in the garment business
14. Key mitzion - the Torah has been locked up.
15. Ham tzfardaya - Pharaoh wished he had a French chef.
16. Boray prez hagafen - let's toast the chief executive.
17. Al naharot bagel - we'll see if Babylonian cream cheese and lox is good.
18. Yerushalayim shed zahav - it's the most expensive storage container in Jerusalem.
19. Nes gadol Maya sham - there was another great miracle in ancient Central America.
20. Hamotzi lechem fin haaretz - a blessing for a tuna sandwich.
21. Chanukah lattes - strong coffee to go with strong potato pancakes.
22. Car mitzvah - if only the legal driving age were 13.
23. Chug gadol hayehudim - drink your beer fast while reading the Megillah.
24. Simchat torch - the Israeli Olympics will start after the high holidays.
25. Vaanachnu . modem - we'll download the words to "Aleinu L'shabeach."
26. Laila toy - she has to tuck in her dolly before she goes to bed.
27. Kaper Lane - may Clark Kent's co-worker be granted atonement.
28. Dor valor - the passing of courage from generation to generation.
29. El Ax - a major staff reduction at our favorite airline.
30. Sam shalom - may every American's favorite uncle enjoy a lasting peace.
sent by Ludmilla
Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. "
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land."
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
sent by Shlomo
Q. Who was the first Electrical Engineer?
A. Noah; he made the ark (arc) light on Mt. Ararat.
Q. Who ran the the first electronics shop?
A. Adam; he supplied a spare part for the first loudspeaker.
Q. Who is the first babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David; he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a
slingshot?
A.It was the first time it had entered his head.
Q. If Goliath gets a share in the World to Come, would you like to
tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it
once.
Q. Why won't we drink milk in the Messianic Age?
A. Because - before the Day of the Lord - there will be udder
destruction.
Q. Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses; he broke all Ten Commandments at once.
Q. Who was known as a mathematician in the Bible?
A. Moses; he wrote the book of Numbers.
Q. Who was the first man mentioned in the Bible?
A. Chap(.) One.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a
chiropractor?
A. Because Job 16:12-16 says, "I had come to
be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and
he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded
to smash me."
Q. Who was the straightest man in the bible?
A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.
Q. Who are the 2 shortest men in the Bible?
A. Bildad the shuhite (shoe-height) & Nehemiah (knee-high-Miah)
Q. Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
sent in by Mavis
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