Funny Puns
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
These came from Mardi Zeiger via Carl
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
AND FOR STUDENTS...
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
from Gershon D and Carl S
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