Why English teachers retire early:
Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School
Essays
Submitted by Heather
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he
was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way
a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene
had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a
sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and
she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a
steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, his plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get
from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping
on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
This came from Louise
For all my fellow dog lovers:
Things you should know to make your life easier.
If your dog were the teacher...
You would learn stuff like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps. Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire
body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had
enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
by and nuzzle them gently.
This came from Tzvi G.
HOW COULD YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly
than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can;
women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people
who walk to work:
Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness:
28% (now get this)....The percentage of North
America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the
age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the
US any given hour:
61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in
their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter:
Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only
mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a
result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs
on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles
of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is
the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far
would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than
any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured
on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes
the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep
on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
AND FINALLY
At least 75% of people who read this will try
to lick their elbow.
Thanks to Deborah and Steve for this "profound" factoid.
This is so stupid, but true and it's going to drive you crazy!
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clock wise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand.
Your foot will change direction and there is nothing you can do about
it!
This came from Tzi Gross and Carl.
1) PUNCH THE 1ST THREE DIGITS OF YOUR HOME PHONE # INTO YOUR
CALCULATOR [without the area code]
2) MULTIPLY BY 80
3) ADD 1
4) MULTIPLY BY 250
5) ADD THE LAST FOUR DIGITS OF YOUR HOME PHONE #
6) ADD THE LAST FOUR DIGITS OF YOUR HOME PHONE # AGAIN
7) SUBTRACT 250
8) DIVIDE BY 2
RECOGNIZE THE NUMBER? NOW WHAT CRAZY PERSON HAD THE TIME TO THINK OF THIS?!?
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