Bible Facts

  Q. Who was the greatest financier?
  A. Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in
     liquidation.
   
  Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
  A. Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the banque of the Nile and
drew
     out a little prophet.
   
  Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
  A. Ruth-less.
   
  Q. Who was the first drug addict?
  A. Nebuchadnezzar: he was on grass for seven years.
   
  Q. Who was the greatest comedian?
  A. Samson: he brought the house down.
   
  Q. Where is the first baseball game ?
  A. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck
     out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
   
  Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
  A. They were really put out.
   
  Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they
     were kicked out?
  A. They really raised Cain.
   
  Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
     lived in Eden?
  A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
   
  Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to
     let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
  A. They used floodlights.
   
  Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned?
  A. David: he rocked Goliath to sleep.
   
  Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
  A. The thought had never entered his head before.
   
  Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke
     about David and Goliath?
  A. No, he already fell for it once.
   
  Q.  What is the best way to get to Paradise?
  A. Turn right and go straight.
   
  Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker?
  A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
   
  Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
  A. The area around the Jordan: the banks were always overflowing.
  
  Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned?
  A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
   
  Q. Which character had no parents?
  A. Joshua, son of Nun.
   
  Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
  A. He only had two worms!
   
  Q. How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
  A. Because Noah sat on the deck

                                sent by Brett

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from Marvin Schwartz
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a
tenth person to complete a minyan.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity
is Jewish.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to
read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.

MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to
butter it.

BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search
of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!".
Particularly common 4-6 hours after special occasion gluttony.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that
she never gave to her own children.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated
look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or
business school, as seen through the eyes of parents,
grandparents, and Uncle Sid.

In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when
Irv's son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds
for diskvellification)

HEBORT vb.To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately
after one's Bar Mitzvah

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking
one's way out of a tight spot.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to
make.

MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found
on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and
cousins at a reception.

ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they
celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates
Christmas.

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of
celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis,
Davis, or Taylor.

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