Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg 
in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in 
pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If
you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at
a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the
weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they
are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into
someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or piccable? And
where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would
ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my
watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

From "VJ's Jewish Humor mailing list" 

This one is just plain cute....

Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel
 agent.
 "I vont to go to India."
 "Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's
 filled to the brim with Indians."
 "I vont to go to India."
 "But it's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What
 will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the
 water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick: the
 plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, G-d only knows. What will
 you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture
 yourself?"
"I vont to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in
India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to
an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never- ending queue of people
waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will
take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.
"Dats OK."
Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly
that she can only say three words.
"Fine."
She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated,
ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before
she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded:
"Remember, just three words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands
directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her
gaze on his, and says: "Sheldon, come home."
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One liners 

Where do you find the world's biggest spider?
In the World Wide Web.

How did the skunk call home?
On his smellular phone.

If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?
Hiss and Hearse.

How do angels answer the phone?
Halo?

What is Beethoven doing in his grave?
Decomposing.